It has taken years for me to become comfortable in my own skin and dealing with the highs and lows of bipolar depression has definitely contributed to how I have dressed over my lifetime. During the worst of my depression, I spent most of my days in either sweatpants or ill fitting jeans with baggy sweatshirts, T-shirts or old tops. I didn’t really feel like I was worthy enough or pretty enough to wear the beautiful clothes that hung in my closet. Somedays I stayed in my pajamas all day. Of course there is no photographic evidence of those outfits.
Our brains and life experiences can definitely determine how we perceive ourselves and our inner and outer beauty. I’m not here to say outer beauty is more important or of equal importance to inner beauty but we need the balance in our lives to feel good mentally. Mental health is extremely important to who we are, how we feel about ourselves and how we treat others. May is Mental Health Awareness month so I thought I’d take a moment to reflect on how my mind had to be retrained to not see the flaws pointed out by others when I was younger.
I’m here to tell you from personal experience that even though others told me I was beautiful, my brain did accept the words. It is not to say I wasn’t beautiful and that I did’t look good and dress in beautiful clothes but my brain couldn’t accept the message.
I’m fatter now than I was back in junior high & high school where I felt fat and ugly because of words spoken by my brother, boys on the school bus and the mean girls. I was taller than all the boys in my class until 6th grade and physically bigger than many of my classmates until high school. The hurtful descriptive words hurt and stayed with me long after my school days. That saying, “sticks and stone may break my bones but words will never hurt me,” isn’t true. Words hurt and most of us carry those hurts into adulthood. These were the words that replayed in my brain every time I looked at myself in the mirror or in a photo whether I admitted them or not until I really started working to cast them out in my 50’s.
Looking back at the photos now I wasn’t fat. I was a size 12 at age 12 but I had an athletic build. Except the awkward summer between being a child and teenager when I ate too much junk food, I really didn’t gain weight rapidly when I was young. When I graduated from high school I was 5’9” and a size 14. I couldn’t find my sizes in specialty shops only larger department stores and plus size clothing stores. I still had those words “you’re a fat pig” or “you’re a cross between a pig and an elephant – you’re a pigaphant” enter my mind every time I tried on clothes and looked in the mirror or saw myself in a photograph . I had never heard about body shapes and that I was a rectangular shape and would never look the same in an outfit that an hourglass figure wore in the fashion magazines.
I gained some weight when I got married and more when I was pregnant, but the big weight gain came when I was put on medications where weight gain was a side effect. It wasn’t so much the weight gain but the depression from bipolar episodes that made how I saw my body very negative.
Gaining weight from the medications I was prescribed for my bipolar disorder really changed my body, but the poor body image had already been there for 20 years. My total weight gain was close to 90 pounds. I was 180 when I got married and 280 at my highest weight. It seemed every dosage change I gained 20 more pounds. After being put on the medication I was mentally stable, but some of the doctors and well meaning people at the gym focus too much on Body Mass Index. They considered me obese because my Body Mass Index didn’t fall into the parameters set by the AMA. I was still within all the guidelines for measuring if a person is healthy, my thyroid, my cholesterol, my liver etc numbers were good but I was considered “obese”. My primary doctor was kind enough to never tell me to lose weight because he said his responsibility was to make sure all the other health numbers were healthy and not to worry about the BMI. Losing weight would help my aching knees because the strain was putting extra strain on them. I had not weighed the suggested weight for my BMI suggestion since I was 12 and another medical issue was causing the added weight. I felt like the words of the doctors and people at the gym who kept pointing out my high BMI as name calling all over again.
way I looked.
About 4 years after my bipolar diagnosis, I went off my medications thinking I could treat the disorder holistically because people I had been listening to said I should be able to keep in balance with diet and exercise. I was able to maintain the balance for a little while, but anytime high stress or a super manic episode occurs my brain would spiral out of control and I drop into a deep depression.
While I was off the medication I lost 60 pounds but I looked horrible my face looked drawn and I still didn’t feel good about myself and wore outfits that did not flatter my shape. Sure I was smaller, but losing weight didn’t change my mind’s view of my body. After getting back on the medications and finding the right adjustments to function better, my weight fluctuated again between size 18-24, my bipolar disorder for the most part was under control for 16-17 years.
A couple of years ago, I had to make another medication change for health reasons, I lost 40 pounds and got down to a size 18w pants and 18/20 tops, my top size didn’t change much especially jackets and dresses 20W & sometimes 3X jackets. I have broad shoulders and larger bone structure I have a 9” wrist most women are 6-8”. I have since lost another 12 pounds but the second weight loss wasn’t enough to change my clothing size, but it was enough to make me feel better.
I was feeling really good about the weight loss and of course had to start buying a new wardrobe. You can read about my clothing journey in my May 30, 2019 post “A Style Box…” – this is when I really started to change how I viewed myself.
At the same time I invested in myself and signed up for a style course “Style & Styleability” by Hilary Rushford www.deanstreetsociety.com which includes a great Facebook Community. (Note: this course is not currently available and the community is closed) The women in this group come in all shapes and sizes and focuses more on style where the Dia&Co Community I also belong to is a balance of style and wellness support. Although the Style and Styleability course was here to teach me about style and wardrobe, the worksheets had me digging deep into my past to find out who I was first. It was there that I really had to face those demons in my mind, the dishonest perceptions that I carried around for 30+years. It gave me the aha moment that I had been carrying around the junk in my brain from childhood. I didn’t feel pretty no matter what clothes I had been wearing for so many years. I wasn’t seeing the real me but a version of me my brain created. My husband said I had a wonderful sense of style all along and could put together beautiful outfits. Even in pretty clothes I didn’t like to look at myself in pictures and didn’t see the person wearing the outfit “me” as beautiful.
After I knew the why I dressed how I dressed and that I had certain self bias about what I did or didn’t like about myself – only then could then find out what my style was. I love classic silhouettes with a little bit of edgy or bohemian additions added in. I love accessories especially hats, jewelry and handbags. I desired to look chic and enter this next phase of my life living without fear of what I wear and who I am.
I joined the Dia&Co National Community where I am able to communicate with other plus size women about clothes, where to find certain items, who is having a sale, what they feel is the best bra, tights, or other clothing item. We share pictures of our clothes, how we are feeling and who we are. It’s a safe place to be vulnerable. I looked at outfits on Pinterest, watched YouTube videos about beauty and dressing for women over 50. I follow beautiful Plus-Size women on Instagram and Facebook. The communities help me see I’m not alone and help me understand that body positivity isn’t just a term but a lifestyle.
SinceI have become more comfortable with who I am and what I wear, I have found I love to have my picture taken. I post on Instagram and Facebook not for myself but to encourage other women to be brave no matter what their age or their size. I created a Fashion Instagram page @elegant_lady_over_50 to spread the positive message of beauty and hope. Stop by my Instagram page and say hello.
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